


I'm Way Too Good At Goodbyes

by ems_specter



Series: Every End is a New Beginning [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Not exactly Steve friendly but not not Steve friendly either, Please Don't Kill Me, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Civil War (Marvel), broken relationship, did any of that made sense, not exactly team cap friendly but not not team cap friendly, would possibly have a winteriron sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 05:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12052569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ems_specter/pseuds/ems_specter
Summary: “You could’ve had both of us,” Tony said, his voice surprisingly steady and calm, “but you decided to choose one.” He continued, his voice soft but still firm, hiding the fact he wanted to cry. Looking at the taller man, he can tell he felt the same.“I thought that was what I was doing.” Steve’s voice broke, turning towards him as if he can’t stop himself from wanting to reach out.“Steve.” Tony whispered, turned his own body swallowing the lump in his throat and gave in the urge to brush Steve’s bangs off his face, tucking back to its typical order, “The moment you decided to keep my parents’ murder from me was the moment you decided to choose him.”





	I'm Way Too Good At Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this instead of sleeping. I started at *squints in thought* probably one in the morning and finished at four. I'm sorry if it's a little ehhhh.
> 
> As I've said in the tags, it's not exactly Steve and Team Cap friendly but it's not a downright not Steve and Team Cap friendly either. I'm not Steve bashing, just to clear the air, okay? They both fucked up. They didn't talk like two grown ups and this fuckfest of a fight happened.
> 
> Also. Listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AX8-YzMKZhQ). I blame Sam Smith for everything because I've been listening to this song NONSTOP. The title is shamelessly taken from the song.
> 
> Also, this isn't edited so I'm sorry for any errors.

Tony’s used to being left behind by the people he loves. It’s nothing new. It’s just a way of life to him. People got sick of him easily, realized they cannot handle his brash attitude and the edges sharpened by all the past heartaches.

(Sometimes, people who got a little close enough assumed Howard was an abusive father. Maybe he was, unintentionally, but he was mostly negligent, uncaring, cold and believed in tough love. Dear old dad always believed he should harden himself because people will always be out to hurt him, to use him for their own benefit. He knew back then, and even now, that was how Howard showed his love.

Unfortunately, Tony’s way of hardening himself ended with him simply creating walls with sharp glass shards around it while the all pathetic fragile boy remained hidden inside, waiting for someone to brave the walls and glass to save him.)

But to think Steve, the man he has been contemplating letting in, would betray him, leave him behind, well. He really should have known.

 

*

Steve and Tony’s relationship developed slowly. It started with them hanging out now and again, trading little quips that throw people out of the loop. Then the casual touches started, touches that stayed longer and longer each time until one of them finally snapped and asked for permission for a kiss.

 

*

 

Even with the betrayal, though, Tony knew those who didn’t (still don’t?) agree with the accords were needed because he knew, right in his gut, that a war bigger than any of them could imagine was coming. So he worked.

He sent Natasha away because he knew she’ll be more useful moving in the dark. He needed her as his ace, the final nail in the coffin for those who could potentially abuse their power in the accords committee. He needed her to know how to turn the people, the odds, _everything_ in their favor because there just some things he could not do while being right smack in the middle of this mess. She’s always been best as a shadow, moving around, unassuming until the darkness surrounded you. He trusted her fully with the mission he gave her.

(“I know you sent me away but before you tell me else you need me to do, I need to explain myself to you, because lord knows you’ll find a way to bring yourself down more.” She told her in one of their meetings after she reported to him. “I was telling the truth when I said Steve wouldn’t stop. If he was willing to let civilians get hurt while saving his friend, do you really think he wouldn’t _accidentally_ kill T’challa if push turns to shove?” He remained silent until she hung up.

He got what she meant, though. It wasn’t him she didn’t trust, it was _Steve_ she was wary of.)

He left the now King T’challa to babysitting duty, making sure the rogues aren’t causing any troubles. He didn’t know what the king told them to get them to stay in Wakanda but at least were all in one place.

Ross was already out of the picture. His own daughter became his own downfall and there’s something extremely poetic about that.

 

*

 

Tony, even when he and Steve were going steady, still kept his heart just out of reach. He was always waiting, expecting the day the blond would realize someone else is better than Tony Stark. He was grateful, how understanding the other man was and thought, maybe, just _maybe_ , Steve was the man he could open himself fully to.

 

*

 

“Are you sure you want to be there when they arrive?” Natasha asked him for the thousandth time. He’s had the contract for her safe return and reinstatement in the Avengers on the third day she had gone underground. He knew, has always known, she would be quick but efficient about what she had to do and he knew he’d need her on his side legally again at some point.

“I am.” He responded simply. His voice was firm, had conviction he didn’t feel. For now, he could tell she’s letting him off the hook. She stood tall as the plane from Wakanda started to land.

He knew he’ll never be prepared to face them, any of them, but Steve would probably hurt most.

 

*

 

Tony said ‘I love you’ first and Steve had looked so surprised and so ecstatic that the nervousness he felt simply melted away. The blond had pulled him in a tight embrace, lifting him off the air saying ‘I love you’ over and over. _It was wort it_ , Tony thought to himself. _Anything will be worth it, as long as I can make him happy_.

 

*

 

Natasha, Rhodey and Vision moved to Stark Tower with him in New York. He didn’t know if they talked about it or it was a simple coincidence but they’ve been living with him in the tower instead of the compound.

Natasha and Vision had to go to the compound now and again, seeing as they were the assigned liaisons between the rogues, who were still ironing out some details before they signed the Sokovia Accords, and the UN and the accords committee.

Whenever the Natasha and Vision came back from staying at the compound, it was always a tossup whether they’d be in a foul mood or in an okay-ish mood. More often than not, though, they both looked unhappy. Natasha looked like she wanted to strangle someone while Vision looked disappointed.

(“I think Steve’s repetitive claim that they weren’t at fault got stuck in their heads.” Natasha mentioned once when he asked how their stay at the compound was. “I think Steve’s seeing the error in his ways but the idea that they shouldn’t feel guilty has been stuck in their head.” He could tell how frustrated she was. “Wanda’s the biggest wild card right now simply because Steve didn’t require her to get psychiatric evaluation and the help she would have needed.”

He remembered that fight, about how Wanda was turning a new leaf and deserved a second chance and how there was no point in getting her evaluated. He and Natasha had lost that argument simply because in the end, the decision was in the girl and she seemed to believe everything Steve said.

“At least Steve’s realizing that, in a way, he’s been invalidating their thoughts and feelings by telling them it’s not their fault, like they shouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt when someone dies on their watch.” He just remained silent, hoping her observation was correct).

 

*

 

They’ve been dating steadily for almost two years when Tony started opening up more than usual. He talked about his childhood more and he could see how happy that made Steve as the blond responded in kind, talking about his own childhood, long before the serum. But of course, things never really went well for him.

After a two week business trip in Asia, he came back to S.H.I.E.L.D. gone and to Steve distracted, looking for his lost best friend. He should have known this would be the start of their downfall.

 

*

 

Whenever Tony had to be in the Compound, he avoided them at all cost. It helped that Natasha and Vision were always on his side and helped him escape their notice. Sometimes he could come and go without their knowledge.

On the ( _extremely_ ) rare occasion he crossed paths with any of them, they’d either be looking at him with guilt, anger, shame or pity. It depended on their mood that day, he guessed, because no one person settled with just one consistent emotion and it _sucked_. He hated the way they made him feel—as if he was some sort of victim but at the same time was a villain. He hated the way they still managed to make him feel as if everything was his fault, no matter how they looked at him.

(Except for Barnes. For some reason, Barnes always looked hunted and guilty whenever they crossed paths but at the same time grateful. He rarely got a grateful look. It was refreshing.)

He was just glad he never encountered Steve yet.

He’d probably break down if he ever saw the blond.

 

*

 

Tony’s love for Steve didn’t just disappear. It slowly faded, lessening, transforming into something else every time the blond left to look for his friend. He understood it, really. He was sure he’d probably turn the world upside down if it was Rhodey but it felt like Steve was keeping something from him and that just added to the weird painful feeling in his chest.

At some point, he got used to Steve disappearing more frequently and for longer periods of time. The other man still meant the most to him and he knew the feeling was mutual, but he started to close himself off once more, sharing only the most necessary information with the blond.

He really should have known he would never be good enough to be a first choice.

(Then Ultron happened, followed by the Sokovia Accords and Siberia immediately after. It was all one big clusterfuck.)

 

*

 

He knew he couldn’t avoid Steve for the rest of their lives. It wouldn’t be productive, especially with the incoming war, and so he sought the blond out himself. They needed closure.

After walking around for a while, he found Steve sitting in the garden under a tree, legs crossed with his sketchbook open and a sad look on his face.

“Hey.” He greeted softly, snapping the blond out of his musings as he got closer.

“Hey.” Steve replied, closing the sketchbook and placing it on the grass. Tony took a seat beside him, his knees to his chest and his arms around his legs.

They were quiet for a while. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as he thought it would be. A little tense, yes, because they both knew, somehow, what was coming next.

“I fucked up.” Steve’s voice was rough as he broke the silence. It was odd, hearing his voice after so long, hearing it so _broken_. It hurt, a little, seeing how different Steve was now.

He wasn’t exactly sure what he could or _should_ respond with because he knew, he was aware Steve fucked but so did he. They both did. _It takes two to have a fight_ , he thought to himself. He didn’t know what broke between them to get where they were now. He wasn’t sure if it was always meant to break or if it could have been prevented. But the past couldn’t be changed and they had to make do with the present they have to have a better possible future.

“You could’ve had both of us,” Tony said instead of the ‘I know’ he wanted to say, his voice surprisingly steady and calm, “but you decided to choose one.” He continued, his voice soft but still firm, hiding the fact he wanted to cry. Looking at the taller man, he can tell he felt the same.

“I thought that was what I was doing.” Steve’s voice broke, turning towards him, as if he can’t stop himself from wanting to reach out and _god_ did Tony want to pull him in, to just forget everything, erase his memories of the stupid fight they had and just move on and take Steve back but he _can’t_. It hurt too much and he didn’t feel that same blazing flame of love he used to feel whenever he’s in the blond’s presence.

“Steve.” Tony whispered, turned his own body swallowing the lump in his throat and gave in the urge to brush Steve’s bangs off his face, tucking back to its typical order, “The moment you decided to keep my parents’ murder from me was the moment you decided to choose _him_.” And god did—still _does_ — that hurt. He’s willing to share Steve, platonically, of course, with other people. He knew codependency wasn’t healthy. He knew they should still remain as two different individuals, shouldn’t depend on each other’s existence to survive. This, he assumed, was probably the reason Steve cannot think straight when it came to Bucky, this codependency they seem to have, seem to have developed since the war and has never grown out of. He followed Bucky into war, probably unconsciously, assuming it’s simply his desire to help, to fight that forced him to lie numerous times to get accepted.

“What could we have done differently?” That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? He’d analyzed it and J _esus_ there were _a lot_ of things they could have done differently, conversations that could and should have gone differently, moments they could have changed so they wouldn’t end up here, broken.

Tony chuckled softly but it was devoid of any humor. “ _A lot_ , Steve. There were so many things we could have done differently.” Steve closed his eyes, his shoulders a defeated slump. Tony laid his chin in between the tops of his knees. “You could have told me about my parents’ murder,” the blond flinched but he continued as if he didn’t notice, “I could have helped you to find Bucky so we could have helped him, or I could have asked you to stop looking for him because he would be found when he wanted to be found.” He could see the tears falling from Steve’s face and it was tearing his heart apart once more but he had to finish this, “Or I could have told you what fear I had, what Wanda showed me. We could have talked, _properly talked_ , about the accords, but we didn’t and we’re here now. We have to make do with what we have.” He could feel his eyes burning and he knew, any moment, his own tears would start to fall.

He could hear Steve sniffling now and his own tears finally fall. He didn’t realize doing this would be more heartbreaking than he thought.

“This is the end for us.”

“But I love you.” Steve interrupted, pleading now. But no matter how much he wanted to take the man in his arms, he couldn’t, _shouldn’t_ , because he knew he would never be able to trust Steve the same way.

“But not enough to trust that I am a better man than I was.” His voice broke at the end. He wasn’t a good man, he knew, not by the long shot, but he knew he was better than the him pre-Iron Man. He thought Steve saw a good enough man, too.

Tony cupped Steve’s face, wiping his tears with his thumbs, and tilted his face to meet his eyes. He smiled, small and sad, which simply made the blond’s face crumple more, “This may be the end for us, but know that I will always, _always_ love you.” He gently took the younger man’s lips in a soft lingering kiss, just two pairs of lips touching each other, a finally goodbye to their love story. “Goodbye, Steve.”

With that, he gently pulled back, kissed the other man’s forehead and stood up.

He walked away feeling both lighter and heavier. It would take time, but he knew they would be okay in time. They’ve always been strong, stronger when together, and he knew at some point, they would at least regain their friendship.

(Tony would never find out about this, but during the time that the rogues were hiding in Wakanda, Steve has filled dozens and dozens of sketchbooks and watercolor pads with his portraits, happy and in love. Some pages were filled with a family they discussed in passing—a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, a little boy with his nose and Tony’s sparkling mischievous eyes—but would never be able to have now.)

**Author's Note:**

> If ever you're wondering why I said Steve was invalidating their feelings when he tells someone it wasn't their fault, it's because it also implies that they shouldn't be feeling guilty since it wasn't their fault. That was my thought when he was talking to Wanda about Lagos and you could tell she felt guilty and bad. Even with Bucky, I think he's invalidating Bucky's feelings and thoughts by forcing him to have the same beliefs as he has, given the fact that it wasn't him who was used to kill people, that it wasn't his hands. Bucky, like Wanda, has the right to feel guilty. They're entitled to feel guilty because it's how they feel. If he wanted to comfort them, there's a different and better way to do so.
> 
> And the co-dependency thing, Steve and Bucky remind me too much of Sam and Dean Winchester and how Dean is practically dependent on Sam's existence. I don't find this type of relationship healthy, to be honest, romantically or otherwise and I hate the fact that people, mostly media, make this the norm for relationships--both romantic and platonic. This idea has always given me some sort of complex because I thought my friend couldn't stay as my friend if we don't see each other everyday and such. I became dependent on a friend from elementary (6th grade) and when he left, I was having a hard time moving on. It sucked and even now, I can still feel the effects. So yeah.
> 
> Again, this is **not meant** to be Steve bashing.
> 
> PS. I'm actually thinking of writing a Winteriron sequel to this? Because I need to have some sort of happy ending? Idk?


End file.
